Week 8 / Fall 2023: Sympathetic Little Monster and My First Academic Conference

I have read some books this week, indeed. But the one that sits in the back of my mind is Cameron Awkward-Rich’s Sympathetic Little Monster. Because, in less than a week, I will be traveling to Montréal to present my first-ever conference paper at the American Studies Association Annual Meeting. And mostly what I feel is nervousness. And curiosity.

Serendipitously, the assigned reading for my Professionalization course this coming week is about conferences. About the good of them. And the bad of them. And the in between. And I suppose it gives me a moment to think about why I am doing this. Which, in thinking with my good friend, I believe is maybe as important as the process itself—that is, knowing why I am doing it.

For starters, I am doing this because I have been told to. Because I have been told that I need to be constantly churning out things to put on my CV, and this is one of them. I struggle deeply with this part of academia—with the expectations about production and performance. And still, I feel drawn to doing it. So I do wonder if there are reasons beneath this first one.

I think I am also doing it because it feels like a rite of passage. It feels like a thing that scholars—at all points of their career—ought to experience. And to travel on the University’s dime to do so? I mean, I want to take advantage of that any time I can. Perhaps that is crass. But it is also true. It is true that I am here, in school, to study, and that one of the major reasons that that feels possible is because of the financial incentives that facilitate this process. So I am doing this because it is a rite of passage, and because my existence in the university makes it possible.

I have been told that I should also be doing this for the opportunity to engage in peer review. That there is something important to be learned in that process. And critical that, at least if I want to be in academia, I demonstrate a willingness to engage in the process of hearing and learning from my peers. I don’t feel ready for this part. To be frank. The thing I am most nervous about, specifically, is the Q&A portion of our panel. It’s rare to see a Q&A session that has felt truly useful, or generous, or thought-provoking—and this is all without having ever been to a conference. I am talking about the talks and lectures that I have attended in undergrad and grad school. It can be such an excruciating experience, but I think that maybe I am curious about participating in it, so that one day I might learn how to do it differently. In a way that does feel sustainable and sustaining. Generous and thought-provoking. A guy can dream anyways.

All of this to say, this week I am thinking about conferences, and I am thinking about Sympathetic Little Monster. And I am hoping that I have engaged with it well. That my thoughtfulness and care will be evident. That I can move through the space with a sense of humility and openness to the ways that others might engage with my thinking. That I can perhaps, even, be tender with myself in this process—and occupy the space in ways that feel good.