Day 6

I was a devout member of the Catholic Church for over a dozen years before I came out of the closet, and quietly slipped out the back door. Doing my best not to make any noise. Not to disrupt. I just left. Never really to think about all that I had lost.

Being Catholic was the great pride of my adolescent life - more than being someone’s girlfriend or being a good student or a kind daughter. The mere fact of being part of the Church was like a gold star for everyone to see; the thing that made me feel worthy and whole and good. And I made sure that everyone in my life knew what my beliefs were, and all the ways that I judged them for falling short of my high Catholic standards. Frankly, I was kind of an asshole, and have certainly made my rounds of amends and apologies for all the ways I behaved during that time. Like, the way I would stare at my mom when she would eat too close to our Mass time - you know you’re not supposed to eat before taking the Eucharist, right? She was playful. Rolled her eyes. Ignored me. But I was incessant. And fervent. I remember the fights I got into with my Protestant boyfriend about Mary - as in the Virgin - and how right we Catholics were about venerating her - it’s not idolatry. Stop saying that. I never ran out of energy when it came to these arguments. I just knew I was right about all of this. The Church had told me so.

And then, I came out. And like a switch, I wasn’t Catholic anymore. It was kind of bizarre, to be honest, how quickly I seemed to change. I had remnants of unprocessed Catholic morality, sure. But all of those abiding beliefs that I had fought so hard in service of, were gone.

I’ve known myself to be dogmatic for as long as I can remember (we can thank astrology for that one). I believe, with such surety, that I know the right thing. So this shift was unsettling for me. I didn’t know what I had to stand on. What rules to follow. Shifting required me to be flexible. And humble. Playful and spacious.

Reflecting on that experience makes me curious about how we form our beliefs in the first place, how fervently we defend them, and then, how surprisingly they can just topple over.

A Practice for Today:

Think about a time when you changed your mind about something (or someone) that you were sure about. Write about where the initial perspective came from, what you did to defend it, and how it changed. What was that like for you? What did this shift offer for you? What did it ask of you? What did you have to leave behind?